Some people just felt right, she thought
Some people just made sense.
And except for this crazy, dangerous, reckless career of Cristiano's., he made perfect sense to her.
"Thanks," he answered, hesitating- "How is everything?"
Her gaze searched his, God, she'd missed him, missed that face, the deep grooves near his mouth, the fine creases at his eyes, the dark hair, the mouth.. -kissing that mouth.
Horrible,she wanted to tell him. Terrible. I hate life without you, I hate that you've moved on soquickly moved on so com*pletely without me."Fine."
Her voice wobbled and she forced herself to smile to keep the sadness from showing in her face.
She adored Gabby, loved being with Gabriela, but she wanted more than to be just maternal. She wanted the rest of being a woman—the love, the passion, the skin, the sex. To be a lover, not just a mother.
"You're well?" he persisted.
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak this time.
His hazel-green eyes narrowed as he studied her, expression shuttered, giving nothing away. "You look tired."
She started for the house and he fell in beside her. "I don't sleep as well," she said carefully. "But it's probably just all the changes."
His mouth tugged grimly. "Chef Sacchi said you don't eat anything he makes anymore."
"I eat."
His gaze was critical as it swept over her. "No, it doesn't look like you do. You've lost weight, and you were already thin to start with. I can't have you starving yourself. It's not a good exam*ple for Gabby—"
"I'm notstarving myself. Okay?" And if he could eat, great, but how was she supposed to get food down when it felt as if her heart was always in her mouth?
They'd reached the villa's veranda and Cristiano stopped walking. He looked up at the house where the late-afternoon sun reflected red-gold off the second story windowpanes. "I wanted to talk to you about Gabby's summer plans," He paused before continuing- "Gabby's school holidays are coming up and I'd like her to go to the United States Grand Prix with me in June."
United States in June? Gabby goes halfway around the world without her? Sam balled her hands. "For how long?"
"Two to three weeks."
Eternity.Sam exhaled slowly. "That's an awfully long trip."
"It'd be a great opportunity for her to see more of the world, and you know Gabby, she'd love it. She's so curious, just a great little traveler,"
"You'll be competing?"
"Yes."
She frowned. "So how will you..."
"Marcelle will be there."
"Marcelle's going to the United States with you?"
"Sam, Gabby's only five. She needs someone to look after—" He broke off and then shook his head. "I'm sorry. But of course you know that. You've spent more time with her than anyone. You used to be her nanny."
Used to be her nanny. Well, that was putting her in her place. No wives or mothers, no best friends or lovers. Just the nanny. Back to the hired help.
Sam would have laughed if it weren't so bloody painful. Because of course he was right. She was the nanny and she'd served her purpose.
But that didn't mean Sam didn't wish she could be Marcelle because Sam wanted to be going to America in June. She wanted to go to the United States Grand Prix. She wanted to be at the track and watch Cristiano race.
"Tell Gabby goodbye for me," he said pulling out his car keys. "She'd wanted me to stay for dinner but it's not a very good idea,"
"You're welcome to stay—",
"No. It'll just get her hopes up, make her want something that's not going to happen."
"What's not going to happen?"
"This." He gestured at the villa, at her, at the twilight, "What was. What we were."
So it was done, all over, there'd be no going back, and no sec*ond chances.
Silently they walked around the side of the house to the drive*way where his Italia Motors sports car waited- He opened the driv*er's side door but didn't climb in. Instead he folded his arms across his chest and stared down at her, hazel eyes dark, unreadable. "I hope someday you'll find whatever it is you're looking for."
Her eves burned and she blinked- "You must not believe it, but I was looking for you."
"You were looking for a safe, sanitized version of me, but not me, because if it were me, we'd still be together."
Sam stared up at him, seeing the face she loved and the man she admired and despite his new stiffness she could still feel the man somewhere in there. "Why can't you see that you're so valu*able, a woman wouldn't want to lose you? Why can't you see that it's not selfishness, but love?"
"Then it's a very controlling love, and I don't want to be con*trolled. I want to be accepted. Big difference." He slid behind the steering wheel, closed the door. "And you're not the only one afraid, Sam. Love is scary—and risky—for everyone.
"Bella,you have to live while you're alive."
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The phone rang and Sam leaned across her bed to answer it. Probably yet another call for Gabby from one of her friends. With her famous father winning two of his last three big races, Gabriela Grace Bartolo had become the most popular little girl in the Cote d'Azur.
"Hello?" Sam answered, punching the mute button on the TV remote control.
"Sam."
Cristiano.They hadn't spoken in weeks, not since that day he'd dropped Gabby off before the San Marino Grand Prix. She swallowed, her hand gripping the phone tightly. "Hi."
"Do you have a minute?" His voice was hard, clipped, and im*personal. She could have been anyone.
And maybe that was the punishment. She was just anyone.
"Yes. Gabby's already in bed asleep."
Silence stretched across the line, a silence where Sam wanted words, where she wanted warmth, and more than anything, she wanted comfort.
Tell me it's going to be okay.
06-12-07, 04:12 PM
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