Back at her desk later, she broke another rule. When she was writing
up her case notes, she made no mention of the fact that Katriona had
asked for her telephone number and no mention of the fact that she had
given it to her.
Look, are you sure you'll be all right? "
"Garth, I'll be fine," Claudia assured him, trying to force the
irritation out of her voice and put a smile on her face as he stood
watching her, overnight bag at his feet, one hand already poised to
open the door onto a new life for both of them, or onto freedom for
him. From her?
Tensely, Claudia swallowed. Garth had sworn over and over again that
he loved her. But there were still images like now, when she could
only see--what? who? --a stranger, a man dressed in his business
suit, his mind already on the meetings that lay ahead of him, looking
frighteningly unfamiliar, not her Garth at all.
"I can cancel these meetings, stay here with you, if you--' " I want
you to go," Claudia insisted even though both of them knew it wasn't
the truth. She had been having one of her periods of feeling extremely
depressed and the knowledge that Garth's business meetings were going
to keep him away for two nights--normally something she would have
taken in her stride--had caused her to feel even worse.
Why, oh why didn't Garth simply go? Didn't he know how tempted she was
to beg him to stay? Every second he delayed, that temptation grew
worse.
"Just go. Garth," she finally snapped at him.
"I'll be fine."
With Garth gone, she wandered around the flat, picking things up and
putting them down. She supposed she ought to make herself something to
eat but the idea simply didn't appeal.
Although she had tried to hide it from him in bed, she could feel Garth
carefully measuring the shrinking width of her waist with the span of
his hands. He was constantly urging her to eat more, bringing home
tempting boxes of chocolates, which she took to work and gave to the
others.
It wasn't food her body, her emotions, her whole being, craved; it was
a baby. Confirmation of her womanhood, fulfilment of the very reason
that nature had made her.
A baby. Claudia was asleep when the phone rang. As she stretched out
her hand for the receiver, she saw the time on the alarm clock and
frowned, tensing her body as sleep receded, driven away by the surge of
adrenalin-fuelled anxiety that filled her as she registered the fact
that it was gone one o'clock in the morning.
Her first thought was that something had happened to Garth. Either
that or one or other of their parents. Telephone calls at one a. m.
could only herald bad news, and at first she found it hard to make any
sense of the unfamiliar and very slurred female voice at the other end
of the line.
"I'm sorry, I don't--' she began.
But the girl cut her off, swearing volubly, then telling her
frantically, "It's Kat.-she said to ring. She's bad... she wants you
to come."
"Cat...?" But it was too late. The girl had hung up, leaving Claudia
grasping for answers.
Cat . Kat . Katriona. It had to be her. Suddenly, Claudia was up
and out of bed, pulling on her clothes, mentally running through all
the possible things the phone call might mean. Grabbing her bag and
car keys, she headed for the door.
For some people, one a. m. was not particularly late, and this was,
after all, London, whose streets were far from empty. Yet somehow,
despite their busyness, Claudia was filled with a sense of alienation
and deep foreboding. The fact that the squat was in an area that no
one would think of visiting at night never even crossed her mind as she
parked her car and got out, throwing a darkly challenging glare at the
gang of youths watching. A little to her own surprise, they shuffled
off, leaving her free to hurry towards the block of flats.
Someone, somewhere, was having a party, the music so loud the building
almost shook with the violent force of it, and as she passed one flat,
Claudia could hear the sounds of arguing coming from inside it,
followed by a crash of shattering china.
Grimly, she hurried on. Without being fanciful, she suddenly had the
feeling that she wasn't making her swift journey to Katriona's side on
her own; she could almost hear the threatening beat of his wings as she
sensed the ominous presence of death's winged messenger at her heels.
The squat unexpectedly was in complete darkness, causing her to come to
an abrupt halt. For some reason, she had expected it to be ablaze with
light, filled with noise and people, but instead it was totally silent.
As she raised her hand to bang on the door, someone opened it and a
girl she vaguely remembered from a previous visit stretched out a
skinny, clawlike hand to drag her in.
"She's upstairs... waiting," she whispered to Claudia, who recognised
from her voice that she was the girl who had rung her.
Claudia demanded, "What's wrong ... is she--' " She's a goner," the
girl replied brutally.
"She's been into a bad scene. Took some spooked heroin." She
shrugged.
"Have you called a doctor... an ambulance?" Claudia asked her,
hurrying towards the stairs.
"No use," the girl said.
"Wouldn't rush to come anyway, not to the likes of us, and besides,
that wasn't what she wanted."
"Go and ring for an ambulance now," Claudia instructed her.
"Tell them it's an emergency. Do it," she commanded.
"Now!"
Shrugging, the girl headed for the door, telling her, "It won't do any
good. It's too late!" But Claudia wasn't listening; she was heading
for the stairs instead.
Like the rest of the flat, Katriona's room was virtually in darkness
but the illumination provided by the single flickering candle propped
up in a corner and supported by its own wax was more than enough to
show Claudia that the girl had spoken the truth. Katriona was indeed
dying.
Unbelievably, though, she was still conscious. Not only conscious but
calmly aware of what was happening, Claudia recognised as she saw the
girl's eyes flicker in mocking acknowledgement of the shock Claudia
knew was visible in her own face.
"You came. I knew you would...."
The voice was a whisper, barely as loud as the whistling sound she made
trying to draw air into her lungs.
"Don't talk," Claudia urged, kneeling on the floor beside her and
reaching out to take hold of her cold hand.
"The doctor will be here soon."
Katriona gave the ghost of a laugh.
"Not soon enough. Oh, don't look so shocked," she mocked Claudia.
"After all, isn't this what you've been warning me would happen? You
should be pleased. At last you're being proved right."
"Katriona... don't try to talk. The doctor--' " Can't do a damn thing.
I'm not stupid. It's too late. I owed the dealer. I couldn't pay. "
She gave a small shrug.
"I begged him for one last fix. He took me literally, gave me a bad
mix." She smiled, a mere shadow of a smile, her eyes shockingly alive
in the drawn, already waxen pallor of her face.
Suddenly, from a dark corner of the room, Claudia heard a thin
protesting cry.
The baby. Instinctively, she started to reach for her, but Katriona
immediately stopped her, demanding, "Give her to me."
Automatically, Claudia did so, but if she was looking for some
indication that in the last moments of her life Katriona was going to
show some sign of mother love for her child, she was wrong.
"God but she stinks," Katriona protested, her voice suddenly stronger
and harsher, more familiar. "Here, you take her," she commanded, then
thrust the baby towards Claudia.
The baby's cry that had grown stronger as Katriona held her suddenly,
miraculously, magically almost, stilled as Claudia cradled her. Was it
possible that that actually was a smile of recognition the baby was
giving her? Was she imagining it or was she really reaching out with
her tiny hands to clutch her? Claudia wondered.
Katriona was momentarily forgotten as the intensity of emotion she had
experienced the first time she had held her came rushing back, if
anything even more strongly.
"Still not pregnant, are you?" Katriona demanded.
Unable to take her eyes off the baby, Claudia shook her head.
"Something's wrong, isn't it?" she heard Katriona insisting.
"It must be, otherwise you'd be carrying another by now. You can't
have any more, can you?" Claudia was too caught off guard for
pretence, her shocked gaze focused on Katriona's triumphant expression,
the skin of her face drawn tightly back against her skull--a
death-mask.
"Poor Claudia, so desperate to become a mother. Aren't you afraid you
might lose him if you can't give him a child, your wonderful Garth?"
As though sensing Claudia's distress, the baby started to cry again, a
nervous, frightened sound. Then, automatically seeking the warmth and
protection of Claudia's body, she squirmed closer to her. Claudia held
her tight, soothing her as she shook her head at Katriona.
"Don't be frightened of her," she pleaded.
"Katriona... take her."
"No, I don't want her," Katriona rasped weakly as Claudia tried to hand
her daughter to her. Turning her head away, she told Claudia in a
petulant, hoarse whisper, "I never wanted her... I never meant to have
her, but I left it too late. She'd have been better off with you as
her mother, not me...."
Closing her eyes, she stopped speaking, her strength fading so quickly
that Claudia felt she could almost see it draining out of her. Where
was the doctor. that girl.
"I want you to take her... to keep her... to be her mother. I want you
to be her parents... you and your Garth. It's only right that
she..."
Katriona closed her eyes again, her breathing ragged and painful.
Take her! Take Katriona's baby. bring her up as her own. She
couldn't. It was impossible, illegal . it was. The baby had stopped
crying. Claudia looked down at her.
"Do it she heard Katriona commanding her fiercely.
"You know you want to. She could be yours after all. She needs a
proper mother... a real father. What will happen to her if you don't?
A foster home, passed from pillar to post, rejected and unwanted. But
you want her, don't you, Claudia? You want her so badly, it hurts. I
can feel how much it hurts. Take her, take her now... now while
there's no one here...."
Helplessly, Claudia closed her eyes, wishing she could get away from
the insidious and dangerous whisper of Katriona's voice but knowing
that she had to stay; that she couldn't leave the girl, not while.
Outside, she could hear the sharp, fearsome clamour of an ambulance
siren and her knotted stomach muscles started to relax. She replaced
the baby in the grubby nest of blankets that was her bed and returned
to Katriona's side.
"You'll be feeling much better soon," she told her, trying to project
an air of professionalism.
"The doctor--' " The doctor. " Katriona laughed weakly.
"Oh, my God, no doctor on earth can stop what's happening to me now,"
she whispered to Claudia in a voice that sounded like the rustle of
dead leaves.
"I'm dying, Claudia ... dying. Do you want me to tell you who her
father is?" she demanded abruptly.
"Are you afraid of taking her because your Garth might not approve...
because her father might be some drop-out druggie like her mother? He
wasn't, Claudia. You'd be surprised if I told you who he actually
was...." She started to laugh again.
The siren had stopped now and Claudia held her breath, praying that the
ambulance crew would arrive in time. Not in time to save
Katriona--that was impossible. Each breath she drew was forecasting
her last and Claudia could almost see her heart straining beneath the
thin wall of her chest. No. In time to save her from committing the
crime of giving in to Katriona's tempting whispers. It would be easy
enough. Katriona hadn't yet registered her baby's birth, and in the
kind of environment that Katriona lived in, it was the easiest thing in
the world for a baby to disappear. Any one of the peripatetic
individuals who shared the squat might take it into their heads to take
the child with them. No one would know; no one would ask any-"Take
her," Katriona mouthed.
"Take her. Take her, Claudia."
The door burst open as the ambulance crew arrived. Claudia got to her
feet.
"I'm her probation officer," she began.
"She's--' " Dead or as near as damn it," the paramedic who had knelt on
the floor beside Katriona declared grimly, adding in disgust, " Bloody
young fool. Why the hell do they do it? Get her on the stretcher," he
commanded the two men with him. Then frowning, he suddenly said in a
different voice, " No, don't bother. there's no point. " He turned
towards Claudia.
"She's gone, I'm afraid," he told her.
"No, she can't be," Claudia protested even though she knew he was
telling the truth.
"She..."
But the man was ignoring her, giving a string of instructions to the
men with him.
The squat, normally busy with people, had become strangely silent;
even the baby wasn't making any noise.
The baby. Claudia looked into the dark corner of the room where she
had carefully placed her.
Later she swore to herself that she had fully intended to warn them
that the baby was there;
that she had had no intention of doing anything else. But before she
could open her mouth, the paramedic's radio started to crackle.
Frowning, he took the message, then turned to Claudia and told her,
"We've got another emergency to go to. Car accident down by Vauxhall
Bridge. Sounds bad. There's nothing more we can do here. The
authorities are following close behind us and they'll want to check out
the death before the body is taken away. What did you say her name
was?"
Automatically, Claudia gave it to him, watching as he quickly scribbled
it down before sidestepping Katriona's motionless body and hurrying
towards the door.
"Do I... shall I stay?" she began.
But he was already through the door.
Silently, Claudia glanced at Katriona's body. There was nothing left
of the spirit, the presence,
the life, that had once inhabited it; it was simply an empty [محذوف][محذوف][محذوف][محذوف]l.
Even so. Claudia dosed her eyes, and on some impulse she couldn't even
begin to explain, she slowly recited the Lord's Prayer and then as much
of the Twenty-third Psalm as she could remember, her voice growing
stronger as she trembled over the familiar words.
How Katriona would have laughed if she could have heard her. But she
couldn't simply walk away from her. Turn her back. leave her.
A movement in the corner of the room caught her eye. Her heart started
to thump crazily. Slowly, she left Katriona and walked over to the
baby. She had only intended to pick her up, that was all.
She had never meant to take her away, to leave the house with her, to
carry her concealed within the fold of her coat to protect her from the
cold, out to her waiting car.
The street was empty. Claudia unlocked her car door and got in very
carefully, placing the baby still wrapped in her coat on the back seat.
As she drove off, she glanced at her watch. A quarter past two.
Wasn't two o'clock the time when the heart, the body, was at its
weakest and death most likely?
"Take her," Katriona had commanded.
"Take her."
In the back of the car, the baby was gurgling softly. Slowly, Claudia
drove home, expecting with every yard to be overtaken by a police
car,
sirens screaming, and to be accused of stealing Katriona's baby. But
the night remained silent, the roads bare of anything more threatening
than the odd taxi.
The communal hallway to the flats was empty. Anyway, only the bottom
flat was currently occupied--by an elderly couple presently away
visiting their grandson in Brighton.
Calmly, Claudia carried the baby, her baby now, upstairs to their own
flat, carefully unlocking the door and then equally carefully bolting
and locking it again. The baby, her baby, was making happy, *******ed
noises, her dark green eyes fixed on Claudia's face.
"You must be hungry, my darling," Claudia murmured tenderly, 'but I
don't know what I'm going to give you, or how, though you certainly
need a bath. A nice, warm, lovely bath to make you all clean and
pretty. " She hummed softly as she started to remove the soiled
clothes in which the little girl was dressed, her mind racing as she
made plans.
First thing in the morning, she would find a chemist, not a local one
or a small one, no, a large distant one where an anonymous woman buying
baby things would not be noticed. Or perhaps she would make several
small purchases from a variety of stores--the amount of things that any
normal mother would buy. She would have to take her with her, of
course. She couldn't possibly leave her here alone in the flat,
wouldn't want to leave her anywhere, be parted from her for even a
heartbeat of time.
"Don't you worry, my little precious," she crooned as she filled her
washing-up bowl with warm water and placed it in the bath as a
makeshift baby bath before carefully sponging her down and then lifting
her into it.
She was so tiny, so perfect, so heartbreakingly fragile with her little
ribs showing through her skin. Claudia's heart started to beat
anxiously fast. The baby must be hungry. All she could give her
tonight was some warm milk, after she sterilised the bottle she had
found in the filthy blanket used to wrap her in.
Talking lovingly to her all the time she was bathing her, Claudia
stopped every now and again to smile into her dark green eyes and tell
her how much she loved her, her baby. hers now.
30-09-07, 12:11 AM
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