Chapter5
Carolyn walked out' of the waiting room and didn't let herself look
back. She couldn't begin to explain what had just happened in there,
and she honestly couldn't even think about it right now: She had other
things to do that had to take precedence over Drew Delaney's return.
She looked up to find an old family friend, Dr. Benjamin Moore, coming
out of her mother's room, and She took a deep, hopefully steadying
breath.
She couldn't help but wonder if he'd seen Drew and recognized him, then
put everything together. Dr. Moore, the family's doctor for three
decades or so, was one of the very few people in town who knew Grace
McKay hadn't given birth to the child she called her son.
"Carolyn," he said, a smile on his kind, well-lined face, something
harder to read in his eyes. "I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to
you."
One telltale glance at the waiting room--no doubt at Drew, standing in
the doorway behind her-Cand the doctor told her all she needed to know.
He'd definitely put everything together, and that was going to
complicate things greatly.
Not that he would tell anyone. Carolyn was sure he wouldn't.
That wasn't what was uppermost in Carolyn's mind right now. It was the
fact that Dr. Moore had easily put father and son together.
How many more people in town had already done the same? And how long
before the whole thing got back to Billy?
"Billy," she said to the doctor, seeing a way out' of this'
awkwardness, at least for a moment. She needed it, to collect herself
and try to find a way to, at best, muddle through this. "First, I need
to check on Billy."
"He's fine. Worried, but other than that, fine. He's watching some
kids' show on the television in there, and your mother's sleeping. I
decided that more than anything she needed rest, and I've sedated
her,"
"Do you know what's wrong with her yet? Drew said he thought it was
her heart."
He took her by the elbow and turned her toward the waiting room she'd
just left. "Why don't you come and sit down with me for a few
minutes?"
Carolyn felt the tension in her escalate one more step, to the point
where it was certainly near the limit that she could endure. How much
worse could this get?
She walked with the doctor into the waiting room. Drew was still
there, and she felt compelled to introduce the two of them.
"We've met," Dr. Moore said, when she started to make the
introductions. "Mr. Delaney was telling me about the discussion he
and your mother were having when she collapsed."
Carolyn sat down hard on the worse-for-wear tweed sofa. The two men
took chairs on either side of her. She couldn't look at Drew. She
simply couldn't find it in her to face him right now, and she could
only imagine the kind of discussion he and her mother had been having.
It left her no doubts about the fact that Dr. Moore knew exactly what
was going on.
"I'm sorry, Carolyn," Drew said. "I never meant for anything like this
to happen."
She nodded in his direction, her eyes glued to the floor, surprised
that he would apologize, all things considered. She'd certainly never
thought he'd meant to upset her mother so much that she landed in the
hospital. "We don't need to get into this now, all Oght? We will,
just not now. All right?"
"Of course," he said.
Thank God for small mercies, Carolyn thought, then turned to the
doctor. "How is she?"
"Well, she didn't have a heart attack," he said. "You're sure?" '
"Ruling that out is the easy part. When the heart is damaged, there
are certain enzymes that spill into the blood from the damaged heart
muscle, and they're easily detected in blood tests. We didn't find any
of those in your mother's blood."
"So what was it?" Carolyn asked.
"I honestly don't know yeL I've ordered some more tests for tomorrow,
and we should know more then."
"That's it?" Carolyn said. There had to be more than that. She had
to be able to tell Billy something.
"It may be nothing more than severe stress--some sort of panic attack.
That would account for her heart racing, for the shortness of breath,
as she got more agitated, even the pain in her chest. It's not
uncommon for people to think they're having a heart attack under those
conditions. For now, it's best that she rest, so I sedated her. She'll
probably sleep through until morning, and then we'll run some more
tests."
"Just stress?" Carolyn was so relieved.
"Now, I don't want you to get the wrong impression," Dr. Moore said.
"Stress can do incredible things to people. Her heart rate was
dangerously high, as was her blood pressure." '
"Is it serious? Is it a life-threatening thing?" Carolyn asked.
"Anytime your heart rate is that high, it's serious." The doctor held
up his hands to silence her. "But we don't know what the cause was.
The first thing I need to do is run some tests to rule out other
physical problems. We'll know more tomorrow, so let's just leave it at
that. Anything else I could tell you would be sheer speculation and
probably only frighten you needlessly."
"She nodded and didn't press further.
"Now, I have to go," the doctor said. "If you want to see your mother,
that's fine. But, as' I said, she's not going to wake up until
tomorrow morning, so you might as well take Billy and go on home."
"You'll call us, if there's any... change?"
"Of course. Leave your number with the nurses." He rose to go, then
turned back to Drew. "Whatever you need from Grace is going to have to
wait. She's not up to dealing with this right now. She might not he
for a while."
Drew nodded. "I'll see if Carolyn and I can't handle it by ourselves."
Carolyn closed her eyes and looked away. She and Drew couldn't settle
anything without her mother. No doubt he wanted Billy, whether to
simply see him on a regular basis or, God forbid, to try for
custody--it didn't matter. They couldn't settle anything among
themselves, because Carolyn didn't have any rights where Billy was
concerned. She'd given those up a very long time ago.
Drew must have known she had nearly reached the limit of what she could
endure, because he suggested that they all get out of the hospital and
go back to her parents' house.
"I v~ant to see my mother first, just for a minute," she said, still
not looking at him.
"Billy's in there," he reminded her.
She crossed her arms in front of her and shook her head. Billy. Her
mother. Drew. No matter where she turned, it just got worse. Drew
must have seen the despair in her face, and amazingly, despite all that
she'd done to him, he still had the capacity to be kind to her. It
amazed her.
He walked over to the sofa where she sat, and stood beside her. One
hand went to her back, making small circles there, his touch steadying
her, his warmth creeping into her.
She fought it with all she had, but the invitation was too much to pass
up. He was right there, so solid and so big, so willing to cOmfort her
in any way he could.
That part still amazed her--that he cared enough to want to comfort
her, when she was the one who'd kept this awful secret from him.
But she knew what was facing her when they got home. She had to try to
explain things to Billy, and then she had to explain them to Drew.
How in the world would she ever he able to explain what she'd done to
Drew?
Her head came down despa'uingly as she struggled for control. Drew
took a little step closer, and before she knew what was happening, her
face was pressed against one of his thighs. The hand at her back went
to her hair, holding her close against him.
"We'll deal with it, Carolyn. We'll get through it all. I promise you
we will."
A few moments later, Carolyn watched, in something of a daze, as Drew
crossed the hallway to her mother's room. She heard him lure Billy out
with the promise of a soda and a discussion about what kind of take-out
food they were going to order for dinner, then left her for a few
minutes alone with her mother.
Carolyn entered the room and noted how a ~ardiac monitor displayed the
now-regular, if slightly fast, beating of her mother's heart. Grace
had an IV in her left arm, but that was the extent of the equipment
hooked up to her. Her face was terribly pale, and the lines around her
eyes were deeper than Carolyn remembered. And she looked so frail.
Somehow, frail was one word she'd never associated with her mother.
Even after Annie had disappeared, even after her father had died.
Maybe it was simply age, Carolyn thought. Although her mother was only
forty-seven.
She reached out to take her hand. Finding it cool to the touch, she
tried to warm it between her own hands.
Grace McKay was a good mother. She expected a lot from her children.
She wouldn't tolerate back talk or misbehavior, but she was strong and
loving and steadfast. Billy had been happy with her. He'd been safe
and happy and healthy.
What more could a mother want for her child? Carolyn had pondered over
that question day after day.
Through her work at Hope House, she saw the runaways, the teen
prostitutes, the drug addicts, the hopelessly inadequate and terribly
young teenage mothers. After seeing the way some children turned out
these days, it seemed selfish of her to want more than to know her son
was healthy and happy and safe.
But she did.
She wanted much more than that.
She wanted him back.
Feeling absolutely overwhelmed, she lowered her head to rest atop her
mother's hand, clasped of her own, and considered offering up a prayer,
she wasn't sure there was anyone out there to hear it. It
Sally 2~yler Hayes 65
came out as nothing more than an incoherent plea for help--for herself,
her mother, her son, and his father.
Billy and Drew decided on carryout pizza for dinner, and Carolyn was
grateful to Drew for going to pick it up himself so that she could have
a few minutes alone with Billy. She didn't want to have her talk with
him with Drew listening in.
She didn't try saying anything to him in the car. Once they got to the
house, he headed straight for his room. She gave herself five minutes
to formulate some kind of plan for what she would say to him, then
followed him.
Billy's room was cram-packed with everything an eight-year-old boy
could possibly want. An antique electric train set, a skateboard, a
computer, an electronic keyboard. She hated to admit that she'd bought
all of these and more. She couldn't seem to resist the urge to buy him
presents. Right now, he was sprawled out on the floor, in front of the
controls to the video game set she'd bought him two Christmases ago.
The screen of the TV to which it was attached was alive with color and
a flurry of movement as he tried to escape from some evil villain's
spaceship
"Billy?" she said between blasts of super laser torpedoes.
He didn't answer.
Carolyn turned off the TV, earning herself a look of pure venom. She
winced and tried ~to tell herself that mothers endured things like this
all the time, so she ought to be able to take a few without falling
apart.
Still, she couldn't escape the doubts. What if he found out what she'd
done one day, and he hated her for it? How could she endure that? How
could she explain?
what if Drew made her tell Billy? He might well insist on that very
thing tonight, when he returned. How would she handle that?
She looked down at her little boy, his defiance fading, his doubts
setting in. He was so much like Drew sometimes, she couldn't
understand how the whole world didn't know whose child he really was.
It was so clear to her in the shape of his body, the slim hips, the
long legs, the lanky arms that would be thick with muscles someday.
Billy walked over to his dresser and picked up a small picture of her
and Annie when they had been close to his age, and bent his head over
it. Carolyn tried not to wince at the image of her sweet-spirited,
smiling sister.
"Do you think Annie's in heaven?" Billy asked, throwing her totally
off-balance.
Carolyn gave herself a moment to take that in and think about it. What
did she really believe? That Annie was dead? Most certainly. That
she would go to heaven? Definitely. That there truly was a heaven? A
God who let innocent children suffer so? That was where her doubts and
her anger started.
"I think" -- she chose her words carefully "--that An hie would
definitely have gone to heaven."
"And my dad?"
"Yes," Carolyn said, unable to figure out where this was leading. '
"Do you think Mama wants to go to heaven, too?" had his back to her
now, but she knew from his tone of voice that they were close to the
crux of the problem. "Someday," Carolyn said.
"But she misses them both so much. She's told meso, and I thought,
maybe she misses them so much she's decided she wants to go to heaven
now, so she could be wit[ them ." '
"Oh, Billy." Carolyn sat down on the edge of his bed, close to him,
but not ~touching him. She was suddenly: afraid of touching him. Once
she got him in her arms, how would she ever let go. She would never
leave you, Billy, not voluntarily, anyway. She loves you so much. "
"But she loved them, too. And my dad loved me, bat he's there now. So
Mama might go too, right?"
Carolyn wanted to make blind reassurances to him that he'd never lose
the woman he called his mother, but you couldn't do that to a little
boy who'd lost the man he thought of as his father a mere six months
before.
"I know you're frightened," she said, feeling totally inadequate
explaining things to him that she could never begin to understand
herself. "I'm frightened, too, Billy. But I talked to the doctor, and
he thinks he can make her better. He's running some tests tomorrow,
and after that, he thinks he'll understand what happened to her and how
to fix it."
"Really?" he asked, smothering a sob with the hack of his hand.
"Really," Carolyn replied.
"Is she going to wake up tomorrow?"
"Yes. The only reason she was asleep tonight was because the doctor
gave her some medicine to help her rest."
"Honest?" "Honest."
"I was scared when she wouldn't wake up." He'd made a quarter turn to
the side now, so she could see the tear tracks on his face, the
stubborn set of his jaw that showed he was still not ready to forgive
her.
"It-scared me, too," Carolyn said.
"And if she never woke up..." He lost it then. His precious little
face crinkled upin a superhuman effort to hold it back, but he lost it.
Billy started sobbing. Stubbornly he stayed where he was, in the
middle of the room, neither inviting nor rejecting her touch. His back
rigid, his eyes overflowing, he haltingly told her the rest. "If she
never woke up... I don't know... What would happen to me?"
Carolyn dropped to her knees in front of him, then, amazingly, found
herself having to look up at him from this height. It was. amazing
how fast he'd grown. Surely it
hadn't b~n that long ago that she could do this and be at eye l~vel
with him.
"Billy?" She took his hand and made herself smil~ back at him instead
of crying. "If anything ever happened to Mama, you'd have me."
He practically snarled at her through his ~ars, the little boy inside
him warring with the little man who wouldn't Wear his heart on his
sleeve.
"You haven't even been here lately" he sobbed, the hurt coming through
now, rather than the anger.
"Not b~ause I haven't wanted to be here."
"You're a grown-up, and grown-ups can do anything they want."
"Oh, Billy, you've got a lot to learn about being a grown-up. I most
definitely cannot do whatever I want."
"May!~;" he conceded, "but if you wanted to be here, you could have."
Carolyn want~ to be as honest with him as poss~le. But she couldn't
tell him everything. Not tonight. And ~ didn't think she could ever
t~ll him about this awful tug-of-war she felt caught in with her
mother. She loved woman, but she envied her, as well. Grace McKay had
Billy, Carolyn didn't think she ever would. She didn't have the right,
not after all these years. She knew that, but it didn't stop the
yearning for him.
No doubt her mother felt threatened by Carolyn's fee~- ~ ings, and she
was very vulnerable at this point so soon after losing her husband. Her
mother hadn't tually ordered Carolyn to stay away, but it had been
clear she wouldn't be welcomed, either.
She couldn't explain any of that to Billy.
Carolyn sighed as she stared at him. "I love much, Billy."
That touched a nerve.
away, but got all choked up instead, which made all over again.
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings because I haven't been here as much as
I should have these last few months. I never thought you'd think that
you couldn't count on me, or that I didn't care about you anymore."
He shrugged it off, as if it meant nothing to him. Eight-year-old boys
were like that at times, especially when they were trying hard to live
up to someone's idea of what a man should or shouldn't do. Crying,
hugging, talking about their feelings, all were right up there at the
top of the list of things not to do. Carolyn knew that. It was the
only reason she didn't have him in her arms right now.
She settled for wiping one little curl off his forehead and felt
rewarded when he didn't pull back. "And if you ever need me, I'll be
here for you? Billy. You won't ever have to be all alone in this
world."
Drew brought back pizza, and they ate it. They called the hospital
once more, to find Grace McKay's condition unchanged, and then Carolyn
put Billy to bed.
She walked back. into the living room, found it empty but the front
door open, then walked out onto the front porch.
Drew was standing in the shadows by one of the support columns,.
smoking a cigarette, the end glowing a bright reddish orange in the
darkness.
"Going to lecture me about my nasty habits?" he said easily.
"No," she Said, trying not to concentrate too hard on how incredible he
looked now that she had a moment to study him.
She'd always known he'd make a handsome man someday, but she hadn't
been prepared for this, He still had the mustache and the beard, but
they were slim and trim these days, framing his face in a very elegant
way. And his hair was still as thick, still curly, but he wore it
fairly short and brushed back from his face. He had on a sleek, dark
suit,
instead of the jeans, boots and black leather jacket that had once made
him look so dangerous on his motorcycle.
But she still remembered the bike, remembered hanging on to him as they
sped through the streets. She remembered it all so well, and seeing
him now seemed to have brought all these old adolescent feelings
roaring back to life inside her. The excitement, the magic, the
intensity of falling in love for the first time. It all came back so
vividly now.
She couldn't help but let her eyes trail over that tall, sleek body of
his, encased in that formfitting dark brown suit. She knew the
shoulders were broad, the arms strong and muscular, the hands gentle.
If she closed her eyes, she could remember the feel of his body lying
atop hers. She could feel the fine sheen of sweat on his back, the
slightly rough feel of his thighs 'intertwined with hers, the intensity
of the look in his beautiful brown eyes as they'd stared down at her.
Once, he'd meant the whole world to her. He'd been the only thing in
her universe that was safe and solid and sure. And then he'd left her,
devastated her, at the time when she needed him most.
If only he'd stayed.
She'd thought about it again and again, playing fantasy games with
herself. Her and Drew and Billy together in a million different places
throughout the yearn, so happy they could hardly stand it.
She'd imagined it so many times, and now, here they were,
together--except it wasn't anything like her dreams
"Old Mrs. Watson still on the corner?" he asked, cigarette glowing
bright as he took a drag.
Carolyn turned toward the brick house on the left. "Of course." Some
things never changed.
"She's watching us," he said, obviously amused. forgotten that--the
way people in little towns think theft right to know everything about
everyone else's business. Wonder if she's figured out who I am yet.
"
"If she hasn't, she will soon enough. She won't give up until she
knows. Besides, I'm sure some people recognized you at the hospital
this afternoon, and Mrs. Watson has connections all over town."
Carolyn was already resigned to the fact that they'd be the talk of the
town by morning.
Drew finished the cigarette and disposed of it in the empty soda can
he'd set on the porch railing. He picked it up now and turned toward
her, then replaced the can and gave her a look that could have melted
butter. Though he was two whole steps away, she could feel the power
he still had over her. She was aware of him with every fiber of her
being. She wondered if he could possibly feel that, too.
It amazed her. Her whole carefully constructed life was falling apart
around her, and all she wanted to do was stand on the porch in the
darkness and marvel at how wonderful it was to see him again.
He took one more step toward her, his face bathed in shadows, making it
impossible to tell anything about his expression. Yet she knew he was
looking at her. She could feel it. And she thought he must have
smiled, and somewhere in her short-circuiting brain she knew that
couldn't be right, that it didn't fit at all with the reason he'd come
back here.
It had to be Billy. He must know, and he should be angry. God knew he
had the right.
But he was smiling at her. She was certain of it now that he'd come
one more step closer. She could reach out and much him if she wanted.
She could walk right into his arms, and he'd hold her there. Somehow,
she knew that too, and it simply didn't fit.
He gave her a look of pure mischief that would have made the devil
proud, then glanced back over his shoulder toward Mrs. Watson.
"Want to really make her day?"
And then his lips came down toward hers.
"Dr~v?" She was surprised, a little amused.
He caught her in his arms and lowered her into an elaborately
theatrical dip, then brought his head down until his lips were half an
inch from h~s. She could just imagine what it would look like from
Mrs. Watson's vantage point~ Laughter bubbled up inside her as he
brought her upright again.
She was still giggling, feeling almost giddy, as well, and utterly
caught up in this magic moment with him, when she caught him staring at
her again.
"What?" she said.
He shook his head and sighed. "You know, there was a time. in my life
when I would have given anything to s~ you smile or to hear you laugh
like that There was a time when I lived to make you happy."
And then she knew that he hadn't staged this scene for Mrs. Watson's
benefit. He'd don~ it for her, just ashe had don~ things for her so
often all those years ago. When whole world looked bleak and cold and
unforgiving, Dr~w could make it s~m ~ springtime. He had the gift, and
he lavished it upon her.
"I lived to s~ you smile," he said soberly, his head bent downward, his
hand catching the end of her hair in his fingertips, then lingering
beside her shoulder at the spot where he'd captured it. "I didn't even
know how much I'd missed you, Carolyn. Not until I finally saw you
again. It was hell being away from you all these years."
Carolyn was stunned, the breath simply leaving her body, and the
energy, as well. She felt like a rag doll, boneless, bloodless, ready
to bend or break at his will. ~
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
feel so good or so right, not after all this time, and ~ daily not
after the way things had ended between them.
Something wasn't right about this, and now that she had a moment to
think about it, it was starting to scare her a little.
As she'd told herself earlier, when she'd talked to him on the phone,
people just didn't drop out of the sky and land in Hope, Illinois. He
was back for a reason. And if it wasn't Billy, then what had brought
him here?
"Say something," he said softly. His voice, coming to be pounds
through the darkness and the silence--the smoothness of it, the deep
pitch, the sweet familiarity--sent shivers of anticipation down her
spine.
"What do you want me to say?" She chose her words carefully now, as
the uncertainty took over.
He shrugged, glanced around the porch, looked down the block, then back
at her. "I thought you might hate me now. Lord knows you have the
right. At the least, I was sure you'd be angry at me, if you still
gave me a thought at all."
The knots in Carolyn's stomach, the ones that had finally eased when
they found that little girl in Indiana, were coming back now Stress
always hit her there, with her insides twisting upon themselves. And
she was happy for the darkness and the things he couldn't see.
If he knew about Billy, he'd have to be angry at her. But he wasn't.
He was wondering why she wasn't angry at him.
But she didn't want to think about that, not if she could help it. She
wanted to go on with this conversation. She wanted to hear the part
where he told her he still thought about her sometimes, that he missed
her and was glad to see her again. Those were some of the sweetest
words she'd ever heard, ranking right up there with Billy telling her
that he loved her.
"Carolyn?" His hand slid down from her shoulder, along her arm, to cup
her elbow. "Tell roe you don't hate me."
She shivered again, and he must have felt it, must have attributed it
to the cold, because he slowly pulled her forward, stopping just shy of
having her in his arms.
"I did for a while," she adrnitte~l, having to try. hard to
concentrate on what they were~ talking about. A woman shouldn't have
to think when she was this close to a man like Drew. "But I had a lot
of good memories of you, too, and I didn't want to lose them. I wan
ted to hold on to the good. times. I needed to, and I couldn't quite
do that ~nd hate you at the same time. So I let it go~'
It sounded lame, even to her, but that was what had happened. It
hadn't been Drew's fault their whole world got turned upside down after
Annie disappeared, and if that had never happened, who was to say what
would have become of her and Drew? She tried not to even let herself
get angry about it anymore, because it served no purpose. The past was
an unforgiving place, and she had no intentions of living there.
"And now?" His other arm came up to take her hand in his. He held it
for a moment, then slid his hand along her forearm to her elbow. With
her very nearly in his arms again, he stopped and waited.
What did she feel right now? Giddy, almost drunk on the sight of him
and the sound of his voice, warmed from the heat coming off him, and so
very hopeful.
It was like stepping back in time, like waking. up and finding that
the past ten years had been nothing but a bad dream. He could still be
in love with her, she in love with him. She could~ never have given up
Billy. He could still be this tiny creature nestled safe and sound
inside her body.
What did she feel right now? "Oh, Drew. I couldn't begin to explain
it to you."
"Try," he said coaxingly, his voice as soft and smooth as warmed
honey.
"I can't believe you're back. I..."
She. paused. She'd been so happy, so thrown off-balance by this whole
thing and his behavior, that she'd forgotten to be scared. And she had
good reason to be scared.
Except he wasn't angry at her--not at all--and that didn't fit. She'd
missed something here, something vital. And she couldn't ignore that
any longer.
"Drew, why
did you come back?"
15-09-07, 01:38 PM
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